


Breaks And Cracks In The Surface

by Deiohx



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternative Season 3, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Brotherly Love, Catatonic Depression, Coping Mechanisms, Daddy Issues, Depression, Family, Guilt, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Leo Needs a Hug, Leo is not having good time, Leo looses his shit, Medical Drugs, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Donatello (TMNT), Protective Michelangelo (TMNT), Protective Raphael (TMNT), Self-Esteem Issues, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, The Author Regrets Nothing, The shredder (mentioned), Trauma, author likes splinter, but there is some critisim on his father figure, cursing, donnie is not a doctor, farm house arc, he destroys a stop sign, leo needs therapy, stubborn Leonardo, treat him like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deiohx/pseuds/Deiohx
Summary: After waking up from his coma, Leo suffers from the trauma and nightmares of what happened in New York. Slowly losing himself into his inner demons and insecurites.But lucky for him, his brothers and friends is there to pick up the pieces
Comments: 6
Kudos: 50





	Breaks And Cracks In The Surface

Everything was supposed to be fine when he woke up. 

He was supposed to be fine.

After Leo woke up from his coma, he seemed fine, hungry, exhausted and in discomfort, but fine nonetheless. 

His throat was still sore, even after healing up, it was almost like having a cold, the same sore and itching feeling, and the permanent voice change. He sometimes forgot his voice was different and he’d freeze for a moment before realizing it was him. 

The pain in his knee was probably the worse part. It was literally killing Leo from the inside out. He could barely sit without having the need for painkillers. Donnie has been resistant to giving him a higher dose, but ended up giving in after a few days. 

Leo was plagued by nightmares. He’d wake up screaming at night, crying out for help. Often waking the entire farm in the process. He was beyond embarrassed everytime, wanting to bury himself in a hole and just die in it. 

The first sight of a crack happened three weeks after Leo woke up. 

He’d been alone in the bathroom, late in the evening. The sun was already down, the moon shining down over the farm. It was quiet, Leo could barely make out the sounds of his brothers from the living room downstairs. 

Leo washed his face, trying to wash the sleep away from him. He dried his face in a pink towel before he looked at himself in the mirror. His mask hung down around his neck. 

Leo touched his cheek, his finger tracing the dark purple lines under his eye. He looked like hell. Leo sighed, he desperately wanted to sleep, but the fear of falling back into a nightmare he couldn’t escape was too big. He pulled his mask back up and secured it on his face. 

“Look at you. Pathetic.”

Leo froze, his hand still on the knot of his mask. That voice?.. It sounded like his old voice, not the rough hoarse he was now stuck with. No, it was his voice from before. Before he failed them. 

Leo looked at the mirror, looking back at him was his own face, but not the one he expected. It looked like his old self, the straps holding his swords over the shoulder of his mirror self, a loathing glare in it’s blue eyes. 

Leo couldn’t say anything, not fully understanding what was happening. 

“You look like hell? And why? Because of a nightmare?” The mirror spat at him, a gleeful grin on its face. Like it was all some big joke.  
“You’re such a coward.”

Leo’s voice was small, shaking as he finally found it “No I’m not…”  
The mirror laughed at him “Don’t fucking lie to me. You’re such a fucking coward. You’re wasting everyone’s time with your bullshit.” 

Leo grabbed the sink, needing it ground himself, but his eyes never left the mirror. The mirror only kept mocking him, never shutting up.   
“You’re the worst leader this team could ever have. God if master Splinter could see you now, he’d probably disown you on the spot.” 

Leo shook his head, closing his eyes “You’re not real..” he told himself.   
“Seriously? You can’t even tell the difference between reality and imagination anymore, can you?” The mirror grinned “Oh Leonardo, the great fearless leader, oh ever the great one.” the mirror version of him leaned forward. 

Leo opened his eyes to meet it’s glare.   
“What a fucking joke. It’s your fault, you know. It’s your own god damn fault for ending up like such a useless broken piece of shit.” 

Leo shook his head “No.. I tried my best..” The mirror then yelled.   
“But that wasn’t good enough, now was it?!”  
Leo flinched, taking a step back, but the mirror only continued to throw insults at him. 

“All that training?! All that hard work?! And you failed!” The look in the mirror’s eyes turned maniac “The world is doomed! Because you failed!”

“Shut up..” Leo shivered, his hand closing into a fist. The mirror didn’t listen to him “You’re so pathetic! How are you supposed to save them?! You can’t even save yourself! Fucking useless failure!!”

Leo glared and screamed at the mirror “Shut up!”  
Before Leo even knew what he was doing, he hit the mirror. His fist breaking the glass, but the mirror only kept laughing at him. Leo’s breathing turned faster as he hit again and again, but the laughing only grew louder. 

“Leo what are you doing?”

Leo stopped, his fist buried in the shards of glass as he looked over his shoulder, seeing Raph in the door, looking horrified. Leo looked back at the mirror, only to see pieces of his own reflection in the broken shards left “I.. I don’t..” Leo couldn’t find the words. What had he done?

Raph looked at Leo’s fist, concern coloring his face as he walked closer.   
“Shit Leo, you’re bleeding.” he said as he took Leo’s hand by the wrist. 

Leo looked down to see his hand covered in blood and shards from the glass in his skin. It should hurt, but Leo couldn’t feel the pain. He felt numb. It wasn’t breaking through the fog in his mind. Leo looked back at the mirror again.

“Let's get you down to Donnie,” Raph said as he looked up at Leo again. Raph helped him down the stairs with the crutch and the bloody hand, leaving the broken mirror pieces on the floor. 

……………

He should have talked about it sooner. He should have told his brothers what he saw in his nightmares the first time they asked. He should have told them about the mirror. He should have told them about the things he started to see. He should have told them. But if you knew Leo, you also knew he was the most stubborn person to ever walk the earth.

He didn’t want to tell them about the nightmares, the memories of his fight against The Shredder and The Foot. He didn’t want to talk about the burning pain he felt in his throat when he recalled the feeling of blades cutting his skin open. He couldn’t talk about it. 

But they knew. They knew whatever happened on the day of the invasion had broken something inside Leo’s head. Not completely broken, but it had made a crack in Leo’s spirit, and if you don’t fix cracks, they’ll only grow deeper and worse. 

They were all looking out for it. The small break that would happen in Leo’s head at any moment. They knew it would happen. It was only a matter of time really. 

The painkillers had only made Leo’s nightmares worse, more real to the boy. He tried to stay awake as much as he could, of course it never worked for long, his body giving out, but the periods between sleep became longer, and the amount of sleep he did get was a minimum. 

They all noticed the way Leo started to zone out. Sometimes he would just sit and watch, not at anything in particular, just.. Watch. It took energy to actually get Leo to snap out of it when he got like that. 

Catatonic depression. That’s what Donnie guessed. Donnie had never been the biggest nerd in the area of psychology, his area remained in machines and biology. Donnie had spent a whole night explaining what catatonic depression was to his brothers and friends.

But a guess was all it was. It was high on the list, right next to post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. None of them knew how to help, Leo refused to talk about what happened in New York or ask for help. 

It pained them to see Leo slowly becoming the shell of the turtle he used to be. His health got much worse, he barely ate or slept. He would stare out at the trees for hours on end. A few times they thought they heard Leo talk to someone that wasn’t there. Leo was becoming delusional. 

They could all see as the cracks in Leo’s head got worse, deeper, ready to break. And the final break happened three weeks after Leo started to zone out. 

The sun was shining outside, there were barely clouds in the sky. Mikey had his hands deep in the sink, scrubbing the dirty plates clean and placing them on the table next thing for Leo to clean. Raph and Casey were in the living room, chatting or watching tv, Mikey didn’t know. 

The pile of plates, glasses and silverware was starting to pile up next to him. Mikey frowned as he looked down at the plate in Leo’s hand. He’d been drying it for the past five minutes, repeating the same motion over and over again. 

Mikey’s eyes traveled up to look at his brother’s face. The look in his eyes held a pain in them, the eyes moving slightly as Leo looked out the window, like he was searching for something. 

Mikey tried to see what Leo was looking at, leaning over into Leo’s space, but he couldn’t see anything. He moved to touch Leo’s arm “Yo Leo, I think the plate is dry now?” He tried to talk to him. Leo didn’t respond, he just kept drying the plate. The stack of wet silverware and plates was dripping on the table beside him, a small pool starting to form on the counter top. 

Mikey frowned and looked into the living room “Uhm, Raph. I think I need a hand.” he called. Raph looked up from the comic book he’d been reading, he raised an eyebrow as if asking Mikey what he wanted. Mikey just jerked his head at Leo. 

Raph got up, Casey looked over the back of the couch to look into the kitchen. Raph looked at Leo and immediately noticed the repeating movements of his hands on the plate. Raph carefully took the plate from Leo, but the movements didn’t stop. 

Raph frowned and handed Mikey the plate. The red masked turtle touched Leo’s arm “Leo, look at me.” he tried, but Leo didn’t even seem to notice anything happening around him. 

“Go get Donnie,” Raph said and Mikey nodded. He was about to leave when Leo scared them both with breaking his trance. He pointed out the window, if he still had been holding the plate it would have been broken. 

“Did you see that?” He asked wide eyed. Raph looked out the window, Leo was pointing at the edge of the forest, but he didn’t see anything but trees and bushes. 

Raph shook his head “See what Leo? There’s nothing different out there?” He said. Leo shook his head “No. I-I saw it. A footsoldier.” he said, his hand shaking as he stepped away from the window, one hand holding onto the crutch. 

Their brother looked around in panic, searching for his swords. He moved out into the hallway.  
“Where are they? My swords?” he asked in panic, looking out the window once in a while. 

“Leo, there’s no one around for miles, it’s just us here.” Mikey tried to explain, but Leo shook his head “No I saw it. They found us!”   
Leo kept repeating himself. saying they should leave, find another hiding place before they attacked. 

Donnie and April heard the commotion and rushed downstairs, April stood by the living room door next to Casey, as Donnie walked over. Mikey was still trying hard to explain to their older brother that it was impossible for anyone to find them out here. 

Donnie looked at Raph with a confused frown “What’s going on?” Raph shook his head.   
“Leo zoned out and now he's going on about seeing someone by the trees.” 

Leo pointed at him “I saw it! There’s foot soldiers out there! We have to leave before they surround us!” he yelled, almost begging for them to listen to him. Donnie frowned and stepped closer to the blue masked turtle, “Leo? You’re tired, maybe you should sit down and relax for a bit.” he tried to coach him. 

Leo just shook his head, starting to shake and hyperventilate as he talked. Donnie could see the cold sweat forming on his forehead. Leo grabbed Donnie’s wrists, his hands shaking. The crutch under his arm fell to the floor. His blue eyes wide and scared as his voice shook. “They’re out there Donnie. I’m not crazy, I saw them.” he was almost pleading for his brother to believe him.

Donnie’s eyes were full of sympathy. He moved his hands out of Leo’s hold and folded his hands over Leo’s, feeling the shaking hands in his. He spoke so gently   
“You’re not crazy Leo.. What you are, is incredibly sleep deprived. You need to sleep.”

As Donnie talked, Leo just shook his head “No. They’re out there. You have to believe me.” he talked fast, his hands shaking even more “We’re in danger, they’re gonna attack us, we have to go.”

Donnie frowned “Leo, no ones out there. Please, go to bed.” Leo pulled his hands away from Donnie “You don’t believe me.. I.. I saw them. They’re out there!” He yelled. 

The panic attack had hit him like a train. He grabbed his head, the ringing sound and the voices of his thoughts becoming too much for him to handle. He hit his head as he cried for it to stop. But all hell broke loose as Raph grabbed his arm. 

Leo was a crying and screaming mess as Raph held him back, his arms locking Leo’s arms down along his sides. It was a nightmare. Flashes of the foot surrounding him started to play before his eyes. The shredder cutting him down. He wanted out, he wanted it to stop. 

April and Casey could only watch in horror as the brothers fought to try and get Leo to calm down. The blue masked turtle kept screaming at them, crying for them to let go of him. He kicked his legs out, hitting Donnie in the stomach. Raph lost his balance, but kept his hold tight on Leo. 

His shell hit the door. Leo managed to get one arm free and sent an elbow straight to Raph’s face. But the hothead didn’t give up, he cursed and grabbed Leo’s arm, locking it. They slided down the door. 

Blood was dripping down from Raph’s nose. He would be lucky if it wasn’t broken. But he couldn’t think about that now. He just kept telling Leo to breathe, telling him he was safe, over and over again. Anything to calm his older brother. 

Leo’s breath was fast, labored. Raph could feel his brother’s heart pounding in his chest. It sounded like a caged animal fighting for freedom. They stayed like that, Raph holding Leo in a body lock. “It’s okay, it’s okay, I got you Leo, you're okay.” Raph panted.

Eventually Leo passed out, the panic overpowering his mind and shutting down. His body relaxing and falling limp against Raph's chest. Raph looked up at his brothers and the two humans in the door “Help me get him up.” he said. 

Mikey was there in under a second, putting his arms around Leo as Raph let him out of the body lock. “I’ll get a first aid kit.” Donnie said and rushed to the kitchen. Raph helped Mikey get Leo up and standing, putting his arms over their shoulders

Casey stepped forward “Raph, your nose is bleeding. I’ll help Mikey.” he said. Raph nodded and let Casey take his place. With some struggle they managed to get Leo upstairs and into his bed. Mikey covered him with a blanket. He was worried. Never in his life had he seen a person so scared, so terrified. 

Mikey had never known a person could hold that much fear, least of all Leo.

Mikey and Casey walked back downstairs as soon as they were sure Leo wasn’t waking up. Raph was sitting by the table, Donnie tilting his head back and holding a paper towel to his nose.

“Don’t be mad at Leo, he didn’t mean to hit you, Raph.” Donnie said, Letting go of Raph when he was sure the bleeding stopped. But Raph still held the paper against his nose.   
“Angry? How can I be angry when he's.. He's not himself.” Raph looked away. 

Mikey eyed Donnie “Dude, I don’t understand what happened. He just started freaking out.” He said. He felt so guilty, like he hadn’t done enough to help Leo. Donnie sighed “It’s not your fault Mikey. Leo is delusional.”

The purple masked turtle ran a hand over his head “Leo is high on painkillers, incredibly sleep deprived and that’s not even mentioning the trauma he’s dealing with.” Donnie said and sat down at the table “It’s one dangerous cocktail to be on.” 

Raph huffed “And Leo’s probably drinking the bar dry of it.”

April laid her hand on Donnie’s shoulder “What can we do to help? We can’t let this go on. He's gonna hurt himself if we don’t do something.”   
Casey nodded “Reds right.”

They all looked at Donnie, hoping the genius had an idea. Donnie closed his eyes, trying to think of their options. “Do you guys know about the fire triangle?” he asked. Mikey frowned “I don’t think Leo should be near any fire, no matter the shape.”

Raph rolled his eyes as Donnie shook his head. “No, the fire triangle is the explanation of how fire works. A fire can only burn if it has fuel, oxygen and heat.” Donnie explained, holding his hand up as he listed the things.   
“Leo is like a burning dumpster fire right now, but if we can remove one of the things that's fueling this delusional trainwreck. We might be able to get him as close to normal as possible?” Donnie thought out loud. 

“Close to? Why can’t we just get him back to his normal self?” Raph frowned, removing the bloody paper towel for a new one. His nose was aching, even after being in a coma for almost three months, Leo still knew how to pack a punch. 

Donnie looked down at his hands, a sad frown on his face “Guys, Leo is never gonna go back to normal. He'll be dealing with his trauma for the rest of his life.”  
Mikey frowned “What? So he’s never gonna be happy Leo again?” 

“What? No. Leo can still be happy even with his issues, he just needs to learn how to deal with them.” Donnie said. April smiled as she sat down next to Donnie “Yeah, we can do this. What should we do? You know, about the fire triangle thing?” she questioned. 

Raph stood up to throw the dirty paper towels in the trash “We can’t take him off the painkillers, that’s just cruel.” Donnie nodded and hummed “Yeah. What would help is if Leo would actually open up to us about his trauma. That’s the gasoline in all of this.” Casey and Mikey sat down on the other side of the table, knowing this would probably be a long discussion. One they all needed to be a part of.

Raph threw his head back and barked out a laugh “Yeah that’s not happening. Leo would rather die before he tells us anything about that.”  
He opened the fridge, ice cream kitty meowing as he grabbed a frozen pack of peas for his nose “Talk about Splinter junior.” he mumbled as he went back to sit down. 

They loved Splinter, but all the turtles knew their father wasn’t one to share his mental troubles with his sons. A trait Leo had unfortunately inherited. 

Casey rubbed the back of his neck.   
“So.. That leaves the sleep deprivation? How do we fix that?” Mikey nodded in agreement, a hand was placed on his chin.  
“Yeah, the nightmares are what's keeping Leo awake. It’s not like we can force him to sleep.”

Donnie gazed to the side, a sheepish look in his eyes.   
“Actually.. Maybe we can.” he said. Raph raised an eyebrow.  
“How?” He huffed. Donnie fiddled with his thumbs “Well um, we could.. Give him a sedative?” he suggested. 

Raph frowned, tightening the grip holding the ice pack as he removed it from his nose   
“You wanna give him more drugs?!”   
Donnie shot him a look of surprise.  
“Of course I don’t. But I can’t see any other solution.” 

Raph had a scowl on his face, so far the pills had only been making matters worse for Leo. Wouldn’t giving him more just make it even more so?  
April touched Donnie’s shoulder   
“How are we gonna make him take them? We can’t just mix them into his painkillers, he’ll be able to tell the difference.” 

Donnie nodded “I know, that’s why I was thinking maybe we could..” he trailed off and looked at MIkey. The orange masked turtle blinked, waiting for his brother to finish his sentence. when Donnie’s sad frown only deepened did it click for Mikey. 

“No.” Mikey said under his breath, “Bro, I’m not gonna drug him.” Raph’s eyes widened in horror.  
“Donnie what the fuck! He’s not a dog, that’s our brother.” Donnie glared at Raph.   
“Keep your voice down.” he said through gritted teeth, not wanting Leo to hear their conversation. 

“I’m only suggesting my ideas. If you don’t like them, then come up with something else.” he glared his brother down “I don’t want to do this more than you do. But Leo is suffering, doing nothing is only gonna prolong his pain.” The kitchen fell silent. 

It was clear none of them liked the idea, but was also their best shot. they continued to come with ideas, writing down pros and cons, discussing and debunking them until they all eventually agreed to Donnie’s first idea. 

April and Casey picked up some non prescribed sleeping pills when they went to go shopping. They gave Donnie the pills so Leo wouldn’t find them, not that keeping them a secret was hard. After Leo woke up, he was more calm, but still paranoid. He kept looking out the window, waiting for anything to happen. They waited a few days with giving Leo the pills, giving Donnie some time to actually read up on it and determine the right amount was to knock a mutant like Leo out. 

Mikey was cooking in the kitchen, stirring in a pot of meat sauce, a bowl of mashed potatoes waiting to be finished next to him. Donnie sneaked into the kitchen. He turned on the water and whispered “Put this in Leo’s food.” and handed him two pills. Mikey nodded as he took them in his hand. He laid them on the table and put a red plastic glass over them to hide them from view. 

He put the mashed potatoes on six plates, putting the meat next to them. Mikey took the pills, looking over his shoulder before he crushed them. He took one of the plates and mixed the crushed pills into the meat sauce. He placed that plate down first, right in front of Leo’s seat. He then placed the other plates down. He texted the others what plate was Leo’s and that they should come sit, so Leo didn’t end up sitting in one of the other seats. 

It wasn’t too hard of a job, Leo barely looked away from the window, and when he did it was only to try and tell one of his brothers that he saw something. 

Mikey walked over to Leo, who was sitting in the armchair by the window in the living room. He put on a smile, trying to hide his guilt. “Hey Leo, dinner’s ready,” he said and took Leo’s hand “Come.”

His brother looked at him, scared wide eyes looking into his baby blues. Leo didn’t protest as Mikey carefully pulled him to his feet and handed him the crutch. Leo was a bit skittish as they walked to the kitchen. The others had already taken their seat, talking as if everything was completely normal. But truth be told, guilt was eating them all up from the inside.

Leo sat down and Mikey smiled at him “I hope you like it, Leo.” he said. Leo picked up his fork, he didn’t notice the way they all watched him take the first bite. Leo was quiet during dinner, just like he had been most of the days since he woke up. He just sat quietly and listened as he ate. 

His plate was almost empty when he started to feel dizzy. 

Leo blinked, his vision went in and out of focus. He touched his head, trying to stop the dizziness. His eyes felt heavy, or at least heavier than what they had been before he sat down. His hand swayed a bit. He then felt a hand on his arm. He looked up and saw it was Raph. “Everything okay Leo?” he asked. 

Leo blinked again “Yeah.. I just.. Need some air.” he said. He put his fork down and used his hands to push himself up, the chair scraping back over the floor. He grabbed the crutch and started limping to the door. He didn’t get further than to the doorway before he stumbled and had to lean his hand against the wall for balance. 

He didn’t register as Raph walked over to him. He said something but Leo didn’t really hear it. “Huh?..” he frowned confused.   
“Let's get you seated in the living room instead” Raph repeated “I think space heroes might be on?” he lied. 

Leo frowned as Raph’s arm wrapped around his waist and guided him to the living room “Why?.. Space heroes have been off the air for months..” he could barely keep his eyes open. 

Raph sat him down on the couch, grabbing his crutch to lean against the wall. He then took the blanket and laid it over Leo, the other turtle didn’t stop him, fighting to keep his eyes open. Raph smiled with sympathy, Leo didn’t like that “I have a good feeling about it.” He turned on the tv for him. 

The volume was low, the voices from the tv lulling him to sleep. It didn’t take more than another five minutes for Leo to finally fall asleep, snoring peacefully on the couch. 

It helped. Everyday at dinner time they would hide a sedative in Leo’s food and Leo would pass out barely an hour after. It worked, the pills kept the nightmares from breaking through, and Leo slept through the night. He stopped seeing people between the trees, and he became at least just somewhat more like himself. 

They thought they’d gotten over the worst of it, that Leo was finally starting to heal. but Leo was yet to reach the bottom. 

…………….

The car drove smoothly on the mountain road, the car lights lighting up the road ahead of them.

Leo didn’t remember why they were out driving this late, he knew they had gone out to fix something. An electric power line or a fallen tree or something. He couldn’t remember for the life of him what it was. Despite having gone down a dose of his painkillers, they still clouded his mind, making it extremely hard to concentrate for long. 

He did remember his brothers brought him along because April and Casey weren't home when they left, and they didn’t want to leave Leo alone at the farmhouse. He hated being pitied and babied, but he understood why. With the behavior he had after he woke up from his coma, Leo wouldn’t want to leave himself home alone either. 

Leo sat in the passenger seat, Donnie in the driver's seat next to him. He could hear Raph and Mikey talk behind him, they were discussing that weird new cartoon Mikey had started watching. 

Leo was starting to zone out again. He never really realized it when he started to zone out, it was only when he snapped out of it, he knew he had done it. It wasn’t as intense anymore, but it was still bad. But Leo couldn’t stop it, it was like his mind switched to a channel with no signal with white noise lulling him into a trance. It was comforting. 

They drove past something, someone. It was close to the road, and the lights had made the shine from it reflect back to the car. It was a road sign, but at that moment Leo was so sure it was a person. It was an enemy. 

It snapped him out of the comfort of his trance. He started to feel the cold swat form on the back of his neck. He looked at the side mirror of the van, and in his head he saw him. Shredder. 

“Stop the car.” Leo said under his breath, his eyes fixated on the side mirror, his hands already starting to take his seatbelt off. Donnie frowned and gazed over at him “What?”

“Stop the car!” Leo yelled, taking his seat belt off and opened the door to his side. “Leo!” Donnie hit the breaks, the car stopped up hard. Mikey and Raph almost hit their head in the back seats. Leo was already out of the van, limping his way around the van. He left the crutch. 

Leo opened the back, his eyes found the ice hocking bag Casey kept there, his weapons poking out of it. Leo dragged it closer to himself and pulled out the bat from Casey’s bag. He didn’t even close the back before he limped up to the stop sign at the side of the road.

Leo held the bat up over his shoulder and swung it on the metal pole. Donnie, Mikey and Raph got out of the van, and could only stand there as they watched Leo destroy that innocent stop sign. 

Leo kept hitting the sign, splinters falling off the bat, dents forming on the stop sign and bending it. This was probably the moment they knew Leo hit rock bottom. Watching the most skilled ninja in their family battle a stop sign and losing horribly at it. 

Donnie tried to walk over and stop him, but Raph placed his hand on his chest and shook his head. He knew Leo needed to blow out his frustrations, just like Raph had needed to so many times before. And if mutilating a stop sign while yelling at it for all it’s ‘crimes’ was what Leo needed, then Raph would happily even get him a new sign.

The abuse raining down over the sign finally stopped when the bat broke in half. Leo panted hard, limping slightly to gain his balance. He threw the broken handle at the sign, and the broken metal fell off its pole and landed on the ground, rolling a bit before falling flat on the ground. 

Leo then grabbed his head and screamed, breaking down. It was the moment they had waited for, the moment Leo finally broke. Raph stepped forward, walking over to his brother “Leo, it’s okay.” he started, touching his arm gently, but Leo slapped it away.

“Don’t touch me!” Leo screamed “Don’t touch me! I hate it when you touch me! Stop touching me! You make it worse! Just stop it!” He yelled, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Raph took his hand off Leo, holding them up “Okay, okay.. I’m not touching you Leo.” he said. Leo bit his lip, holding his head again, one hand hitting the side of his head. “Leo, Leo look at me.” Raph said, getting his brother’s attention again “You have to breathe.”

“I am breathing!” Leo yelled at him, sobs starting to break through. Raph just kept his hands up “Breathe with me.” Leo looked at him, trembling, as Raph started to take deep breaths. It took a few tries before Leo finally breathed in sync with Raph. 

Raph took a step closer “It’s okay Leo, we’re here for you.” Leo choked back a sob as he finally broke down completely. With Raph’s help he sat down on the grass next to the road, his injured knee stretched out. Donnie and Mikey walked over and sat on the other side of Leo. 

Leo laid down on the grass, looking up at the night sky, holding his hands over his chest as he tried to keep breathing. His brothers didn’t look at him or say anything, just staying put and let Leo know they were there. 

Leo sniffed “I need help…” he said and wiped his cheeks for tears. It was the first time Leo had admitted it. And finally hearing him say it was a big relief to his brothers.

Donnie wanted to place his hand on Leo’s shoulder, but didn’t. Not after the way he screamed at Raph. “And we’re here. We wanna help you Leo.” Donnie said and looked down at him “But you have to let us in. We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on what's going on in that head of yours.”

Leo bit his lip, just looking up at the stars. Raph laid down next to him, Donnie and Mikey following suit. “It’s all my fault..” Leo whispered, fighting back another wave of tears. 

Mikey frowned “What is?” 

“Everything…” Leo sniffed and closed his eyes “The kraang wouldn’t have invaded earth without Shredder’s help, and Shredder wouldn’t have known we were in New York if it weren’t for that throwing star we lost at the kraang base, and we wouldn’t have been there if I hadn’t asked master Splinter to let us go top side…“ Leo explained fast, almost working himself up again “I doomed the whole world…” 

“Leo, that’s not true.” Raph looked over at him, he could see Leo’s hands were shaking on his chest. Leo gave a laugh and sniffed “It is.. I should have kept my mouth shut..”

Mikey sat up on his forearms so he could look over Donnie and down at Leo “Well, if we’re gonna follow that logic, we will.” Mikey cleared his throat “If it weren’t for you asking dad to go topside, we would never have seen April get kidnapped, and she would have been experimented on, and if it weren't for you, we would never have been able to stop the kraang in the first place.” Mikey pointed at his fingers as he kept naming things, all of his brothers listening. 

“We would never have met April and Casey, Karai would never have known the truth about her mom and master Splinter, half of New York would probably be mutated, and if it weren't for you. We would never have tasted pizza.” Mikey grinned wide when he finally finished after almost ten minutes of ranting. 

“Because of you the world has been saved so many times, probably more times than we know about, all because you asked if we could leave that night.” he said and laid back down on the grass. 

“Wow… We’ve really done a fuck ton in the last two years..” Raph said, completely baffled. Donnie nodded “Yeah.. Like 4 years ago the biggest event we would experience was if Mikey found a new way to cook alge.”

Leo chuckled slightly as he wiped his face from tears again   
“God I hated alge.”  
Raph laughed and smiled “It was the worst. And the fact dad used to be human and he was just one hundred percent okay with eating that for the rest of his life.” he placed a hand on his forehead   
“He must have zero taste buds.” The brothers all started laughing, before finally settling down again.

“I miss master Splinter..” Donnie said, folding his hand over his stomach. Mikey sighed and nodded “Yeah, we could really use some good fatherly advice right about now dude.”

“He sucked as a dad.”

All the brothers froze. They all turned to look at their eldest, who looked just as shocked as they were. “I said that out loud..” he blinked and covered his face with his hands. 

“Leo..” Raph started, but Leo cut him off.   
“I’m sorry, I don’t wanna start anything. I should just shut up, just ignore me.” His hands were still planted over his face.

“Hell nah, this is the first time you’ve ever said something negative about master Splinter, you’re not shutting yourself back inside that head of yours now.” Raph said and sat up, one knee bending up so he could plant his elbow on it. 

Donnie nodded “Yeah, Leo if there’s something you need to say, do it.” he smiled reassuringly.   
“Whatever you need to say, say it.”   
Mikey smiled and sat up as well “Yeah bro, whatever you say tonight won’t be repeated. What happens at the farmhouse, stays at the farmhouse.” he grinned. 

Leo removed his hands from his face. He did wanna vent, but if Splinter ever heard what he said, Leo would die out of shame. He took a deep breath as he tried to collect his thoughts, finding the best way to say what he needed to say.   
“He sucks.. I love dad, but he fucking sucks as a dad.” he started. His brothers all leaned back as they watched Leo’s mind unfold.

“I don’t remember the last time he said he was proud of me, as an individual, he always said proud of us, never ‘Leonardo, I’m so proud of you’.” Leo glared at the sky “I know he’s proud of me, Don’t get me wrong, but some things just don’t go without saying.” 

Leo blinked back tears, not wanting to start his crying all over again. He was not gonna cry just because he had some unresolved daddy issues. 

“You guys wanna know what he said to me the first time the Kraang invaded earth?” He asked, but didn’t wait for an answer “He said they had to be stopped no matter what we had to sacrifice, or who.”

Leo laughed and placed a hand on his forehead “I jumped out of an exploding building and I almost drowned.. I really thought I had to give up my life, and I still do.” his voice held an anger Leo didn’t know he had.   
“How fucked is it that you tell your own kid they have to sacrifice themselves? Like, am I not worth saving?” he sat up, a fist hit the ground. 

“The worst part is that I believe it. I don’t think I am worth saving, my life is not worth fighting for.” Donnie frowned, he could already mark down different kinds of issues Leo had, bad self esteem, daddy issues, minor suicidal tendencies?  
Donnie would have to read up on these before he could actually diagnose anything. 

“I was 15. Who tells their own kid they might have to die?” He asked. “Sometimes I think it might actually just be easiest to just.. Die”. Raph frowned, he laid a hand over Leo’s fist. Leo moved his hand so was holding Raph’s “I don’t wanna die, I’m not gonna kill myself. I can’t do that to you guys.. But sometimes I just want everything to stop..” Leo closed his eyes.

They were quiet for a while, not sure what could be said after that, so Leo just kept talking.   
“Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like? Not existing.. I wonder how I would do it, where I would do it… Who would find me.” he said. He looked out over the forest   
“That’s mostly one of the things that keeps me from doing it. I can’t stand the thought of one of you finding me like that.”

Donnie place his hand on Leo’s shoulder, he bit his lip as he tried to find something to say, but no words he thought of seemed good enough. Leo gave him a comforting smile, “I know..'' Donnie didn’t know what he meant by that. Leo shrugged slightly “But like I said, I don’t want to die, so I won’t do it.” 

“Right now. That doesn’t mean you won’t later.” the three brothers looked over at the youngest of them. Mikey had tears in the corners of his eyes, the baby blue eyes held a pain in them “Leo, you think you can solve every problem on your own, but you can’t. And saying you won’t do it after saying how you feel..” Mikey closed his eyes, his hands trembled in his lap “It doesn’t mean the thought isn’t there. Maybe one day you wake up and you..” Mikey covered his mouth, he couldn’t finish that sentence.

Mikey pushed Donnie out of the way and hugged Leo “You have to tell us things like this bro...”   
Donnie glared slightly at Mikey as he moved to sit up again, rubbing the back of his head “Mikey is right. Leo, these are things you need to talk about.” 

Leo held his free arm around the top of Mikey’s shell “I know, I just… It’s hard.” Raph smiled and squeezed his hand “No one said anything about it being easy.” they sat there for another 30 minutes before it got too cold for them to stay. Raph helped Leo back to the passenger seat, his knee now hurting even more than before. 

……………

Mikey hummed as he walked down the hallway to his room. A fresh set of bedsheets in his arms, ready to be folded and put back in their spot. He jumped a bit in his steps, close breaking out in a dance as he mumbled the lyrics to the song “Do the conga. I know you can't control yourself any longer. Come on, shake your body baby.” 

but his attention was pulled away from the song, when he heard the sound of commotion in Leo’s room. Mikey stopped in his tracks.  
“Leo?” he looked at the door, waiting for an answer, but didn’t get any. 

Mikey walked over and opened the door slightly “Leo?..”. He turned on the light, expecting to see Leo, but he was nowhere to be seen. The window was closed, so he couldn’t have left though it. But the blanket on the bed was laying half down on the floor, like someone had dragged it down in a hurry. Mikey looked over to the side of the room, the closet door ajar. He then heard some rustling coming from inside it   
“Leo?”

Mikey placed the bedsheets in his hands on the bed, before he made his way over to the closet and opened the door slightly. The closet was mostly empty, only a few coats hanging from a bar and some bedsheets on the top shelf. Mikey could see a pair of green feet sticking out from under the shadows. Mikey pulled on the string plug to turn the lights on in the closet. He moved the coats out of the way to reveal Leo.

Leo was curled up, hugging his knees to his chest. He was shaking, covered in cold sweat and crying. Blue eyes looking up at him, his breathing was fast and hard, unable to get it under control. Mikey kneeled down   
“Hey Leo.. Are you okay?” He asked gently. 

Leo shook his head a bit violently, unable to say anything. Mikey bit his lip “Is it okay to touch you?” he then asked, only for Leo to shake his head again. Mikey nodded, keeping his hands to himself “Do you want me to leave?”

Leo didn’t move, just looking at his knees, still trying to breathe. He then shook his head again, he wanted Mikey to stay. Mikey smiled softly, moving into the closet to sit beside him. 

He pulled out his phone “Okay, I’ll just sit here and watch some cartoons, I'm here for you when you’re ready.” Mikey smiled as he typed on his phone. Leo just kept trying to breathe, wiping his face from tears. 

It took all the strength Mikey had in him to not pull Leo into a hug, knowing it would only make everything worse. The only sound there was in the small closet was Leo’s breathing and the voices from Mikey’s phone. 20 minutes later, Mikey felt Leo rest his head on his shoulder. 

“What show is this?..” Leo sniffed, still shaking and hugging his knees.   
“It’s a new show called She-Ra, it’s about a girl who finds a sword and can turn into a big warrior. I think you’d like it.” Mikey said and looked at Leo with a smile. 

Mikey let the episode finish, giving Leo a bit more time to calm down, before he locked his phone and put it away. He laid his arm around Leo “What’s up?”   
Leo wiped his face, a tear streak clear in his blue mask “It’s stupid..”

“There’s a lot of things that are stupid, but we still talk about it. Like Raph knitting.” Mikey smiled, trying to lighten the mood. it seemed to work as he saw Leo crack a smile. 

Leo fiddled with his bandages, a habit they’d all noticed he had started whenever Leo got anxious. “I just.. I start to think about New York, and master Splinter.. And how I’m keeping all of us here..” Leo said, still leaning against his little brother, the contact helping him keep grounded “I don’t know how we’re gonna get them back.. “.

Mikey rubbed Leo’s shoulder “You’re not gonna be alone, we’ll do it together.” he smiled wide “We’re a team after all, right?”

Leo sniffed “Yeah.. I just, what if we fail? Who's gonna save New York then?” He asked. Mikey shrugged “I don’t know, but we’re not gonna fail, so why does it matter?” 

Leo kept quiet, thinking it over. “I guess we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.” Mikey blinked, a confused look in his eyes “Uhmm I don’t think that’s how that saying goes?” Leo cracked a smile “It’s a malaphor. It means we haven't yet gotten to the problem, but I know we're gonna mess it up when we do.”

Mikey laughed and shook his head “Dude, you really are a bit of a pessimist.” he hit his shoulder playfully. Leo chuckled along with him.  
“I prefer the term ‘realist with anxiety’.” the air seemed to have lightened up in the small closet.

Mikey stretched his legs out in front of him “Sooooo… Why are you hiding in the closet?” he asked as he looked around the small closet. The door was still open, giving their only source of light. 

“It’s dark in here, it makes me feel safer.” Leo blushed slgithly “Don’t make a gay joke.” Mikey held his hands up, a guilty look on his face “I wasn’t gonna.” Leo rolled his eyes. He bit his lip as he moved his injured knee down to stretch it “But I like the darkness in here. Being in the shadows is where I belong.” 

Mikey nodded, trying his best to understand “You don’t like being out in the open?” Leo shook his head “Call me paranoid, but being out in the open is dangerous to us, and I guess.. I still feel like that even when I'm safe,” Leo looked at Mikey “Can we watch another episode of that show?” he asked. 

Mikey smiled and pulled out his phone again.  
“Sure bro.” he said, pulling up the next episode on his phone as he explained what Leo had missed in the previous episodes. Donnie and Raph found them later like that, sleeping up against each other in the closet of Leo’s room.

……………  
It was a quiet night, close to 2 in the morning. The light in the barn was still on, lighting up the place for the purple masked turtle, working away at his desk. Safety goggles down over his face, a tool box next to him and a screwdriver in hand.

Donnie fought back a yawn as he heard the barn door open, the creaking of the hinges made it impossible for even their most skilled ninja to sneak in. 

Donnie took off the safety goggles and put down the screwdriver, he looked over his shoulder to see it was, in fact, their most skilled ninja, Leonardo. He looked him over, the crutch was under his arm, and judging by the yawn and tired eyes, Donnie knew his brother was tired. 

“Hey, what are you doing up?” Donnie asked. Leo sat down on the chair next to him. “I couldn’t sleep.” he leaned his crutch against the table. His shell facing the desk as Leo looked out at the big space of the barn.

Donnie nodded slightly, “Panic attack?” He asked. Leo shook his head and crossed his arms.   
“Nightmare..”

Leo looked over at the old car Casey and Donnie was trying to fix, the hood popped up, and one of the car doors was missing. 

Donnie frowned softly “Wanna talk about it?” He offered, but Leo just looked away, down at his knee and shook his head “Will you be mad if I say no?...”

“Not at all,” Donnie said and pulled his safety goggles back down over his eyes.   
“Healing is a process, sometimes you need to break and other times you just need to be.” he said. Leo fiddled with the edge of the bandages around his wrist. 

Donnie picked up the screwdriver again and went back to work. Leo looked over to try and see what exactly his brother was working on. It looked like a computer hard drive, but he wasn’t sure. Leo could barely make a toaster work, so he was the last one to ask when it came to electronics. 

They sat in silence, the only sound in the barn was the wind creaking and Donnies fiddling with the screwdriver. Leo didn’t know why he had gone out to the barn to find Donnie. He didn’t want to wake anyone else up and being alone with his thoughts just made everything seem worse. He just didn’t want to be alone right now.

“I’m sorry...”

Donnie looked back over at him, blinking behind the goggles “For what?”

Leo lifted his good leg up on the chair and hugged it close to his chest “Everything. What I did, how I behaved. It’s not okay for me to just burden you guys like this...”

Donnie shook his head “You’re not burdening us, Leo, you’ve always been there for us, it’s only fair that we’re here for you.” Leo leaned his forehead on his knee, he looked ashamed “I just.. Master Splinter used to confide in me a lot and it took a toll on me, I just don’t wanna do the same to you guys...” 

Leo looked over at Donnie “I do wanna talk about what happened, but it’s just...” He tried his best to explain it. 

Donnie nodded, listening carefully. He then bent down at his desk. He opened a drawer and started to look through it, his hand moving around the content of the drawer. Leo waited patiently for him to find whatever he was looking for. 

“Aha! There it is.” he said and pulled out a small notebook, the kind you’d get handed at a high school for notes you’d probably never take. Donnie offered it to him.   
“Here.”

Leo took it and opened it. The first few pages had been written on and erased, while the rest of the notebook pages had been left clear. Whoever threw this out for Donnie to find, hadn’t used it a lot. 

Leo looked puzzled up at Donnie, and almost as if Donnie could read his mind he said “I want you to start keeping a journal.” He took the goggles off again.

Leo frowned “Why?”

Donnie leaned back in his chair “You’ve started to open up Leo, but there’s still things you don’t tell us, and knowing you, it’ll be a long time till you do. So I want you to write it down.” he said and pointed at the notebook.  
“No one besides you is gonna read it, so why not?”

Leo looked back down at the old notebook “And you guys aren’t gonna.. Snoop around and read it?” He asked. Donnie smiled and shook his head “Nope. Not unless you say it’s okay or I start to get worried about your mental stability acting up again.”

Leo places his leg down on the ground again “Can I write in it now?” He asked. Donnie shrugged “You can if you want to.” he placed the goggles back over his eyes again.

Leo thought it over, before he turned around in the chair to face the desk. He grabbed a pen laying close to Donnie and wrote his name on it. Donnie peeked over and chuckled as he saw Leo write ‘Mikey. no peeking!’ on it. 

Leo grinned and placed his hand on Donnie's face, pushing him away.  
“Yo, you said it was private.” Donnie laughed “Sorry, sorry. I won’t look, I promise.”

They sat there in the barn for a few hours. Donnie fixed the computer hard drive and Leo scribbled away, letting out all the things he wasn’t ready to say out loud. Leo didn’t think it would help, but after writing his nightmare down, his nerves seemed calmer and his shoulders lighter.

…………….

He healed. 

It took time, but both Leo's knee and his mind healed. 

Leo never got rid of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the zoning out, the breakdowns or the trauma he suffered. But he learnt to live with it. He never got rid of his habit of hiding in the closets, sometimes he had to go under the table instead to really be able to breathe. 

Leo continued to write in his journals, filling them one after one with all the things he can’t say yet. He kept filling the journals through the rest of his adult life. He shared some, he hid others. 

Splinter seemed to have the hardest time with understanding his son’s needs and issues, but like any loving father, he gave him all the support he could. Like his brothers and friends, Splinter listened too, trying his best to guide his son, even when all Leo did was let out his fears and frustrations. 

Leo still had bad days and bad nights. He still got panic attacks that left him unable to talk or to be touched. They still found new triggers for Leo, it could be anything, right from training in the dojo to a grocery list seeming too long, but they worked through it. His brothers learnt how to handle and calm him down, and Leo learned to breathe.

He talked about it. He told them about the night he faced The Shredder and The Foot alone. He told them about his nightmares, and about the things he sometimes saw. He told them almost everything that burdened his shoulders and the fears that plagued him. 

Leo learnt to live with his trauma, he learnt to ask for help and how to cope. He learnt to understand the signs of a panic attack and his own limits. He learnt to laugh and to smile, really genuinely smile again. 

He learned to live.


End file.
